When I was a kid certain things on telly freaked me out. The Daleks were watched from behind the sofa of course, Roald Dahls’ Tales of the Unexpected which I loved but then ended up having nightmares about (Jeremy Irons killing his wife in the bathtub and putting her body into plastic bags and burying it in the back garden anyone?) Wanderly Wagon also had its moments - Sneaky Snake was just so damn sneaky and oh god those googly, plastic eyes of his. Mesmerising.
But the show that probably freaked me out the most was ‘Monkey’. Remember that? The Monkey King flying about on that pink cloud, Pigsey with his snorting laughter and that snout, Sandy doing, er, whatever it was that he did. Ugly, ugly characters. Freaky. And lets not forget Tripitaka who was possibly the most beautiful man I had ever seen. Played by a woman, but he\she was a monk. Between that and the effeminate nose\chin combo of Zoltar from Battle of the Planets it was confusing for an 8 year old, all those mixed genders on childrens telly how did I -or anyone- grow up straight in the 80s? Actually I take that back, thinking of the puffball skirts, big hair and pastel colours I think we were all a little bit gay. (Seriously though was Zoltar a man or a woman? I still don’t know, but gawd I envied their perfect nose and lips.)
Which brings me - in my usual tangenital way - to ‘The Forbidden Kingdom’. Billed as the first movie starring Jet Li AND Jackie Chan it tells the tale of a boy who finds himself transported to the Middle Kingdom by the magical staff of the Monkey King. So here we go again, more tales of the trickster Monkey - this time played by Jet Li who appeared to be channelling Masaaki Sakai in the role. What follows is a by the numbers Quest Tale, complete with flashbacks and ‘Montage! Every shot you show a little improvement ‘ sequences. Its fun in a mindless way, lots of chop-socky kung-fu, full-face Li\Chan action (no stunt doubles here) girl-on-girl action (I mean fight scenes you pervs) and nods to every kung-fu movie ever made I think. The only jarring parts of the movie are the sequences in ‘modern time’. Michael Angarano is fine as the ‘hong-kong phooey mad’ kid, but the ‘bullies’ dress like they’ve stepped out of 1984, speak like 1950s street hoods and carry guns. Myself and Priscilla expected them to break into a performance of ’sharks vs jets’ a couple of times. The references to Karate Kid were funny the first couple of times, but got a bit cringy by the end. Overall its alright, there’s a few laughs, some good action sequences and stunning locations. The plot itself gives us nothing new although as Priscilla said ‘its a lot more coherent than bleddy Hanc0ck’.

Forbidden Kingdom gets a Buddha Palm to the chest and the Monkey King still freaks me out a little.