Dear ‘Other people on public transport’,

Please brush your teeth \ take a shower \ wash your hair \ get rid of your dandruff \ use deodorant \ stop farting \ don’t overdo it on your perfume \ blow your nose so I don’t have to listen to you snort up snot for the entire journey \ don’t cough, hack or sneeze on me \ could culchies please wash the shite off their boots before getting onboard \ stop singing \ stop laughing like a deranged hyena \ stop talking loudly on the 7 o’clock train when I am trying to sleep \ stop whistling \ stop playing your bleeping video games \ turn down the volume on your ipod or get decent headphones that don’t bleed noise \ turn off the key beeps when texting \ stop eating \ stop snoring \ don’t mouth breathe \ stop putting on your makeup on the train, I have visions of you popping out an eyeball with your mascara brush when the train stops suddenly \ stop picking your nose \ stop fidgeting with everything that comes to hand this includes tickets, empty plastic bottles and your zipper \ stop tapping your fingernails against the window, armrest and back of my seat \ don’t sit beside me when there are lots of empty seats around \ don’t use my lap as a place to store your shopping bags and jackets \ don’t try to start a conversation with me, I am not your friend, no I don’t know where the doctors office on Pearse st is and I’m not interested in why you are coming up to the big schmoke \ stop screaming at your mates in the next carriage \ stop wandering up and down the carriage slapping the top of each seat as you pass \ don’t lean on the top of my seat so you can talk to someone in the seat behind \ don’t lean against my seat and get your arse out of my face thanks \ stop standing on my feet \ stop sitting on me \ stop breathing on me \ stop pushing your oversize newspaper into my face \ stop shaking your wet brolly on me \ stop leaning against me \ stop snogging \ stop groping \ stop rubbing \ don’t hog the poles when there are other people who also have to stand \ at least make an effort to move out of the way when I say ‘excuse me’.

Also could the filthies* just get out and walk. You could do with the exercise.

Regards,
Me.

*aka Filthy Students