Okay, so I need to work on the title of the theory, but that should be simple to sort out. I’m pretty sure that Einstein had to go through a few drafts before he edited it down to ‘Theory of Relativity.’ As a matter of fact* the first time he proposed the theory it was probably called ‘The Theory of Stuff that is Moving at Different Speeds but looks like it isn’t.’

Anyway, we’ve all been there, the couple of weeks before Christmas you run around looking for gifts for everyone in your family, sisters, brother’s in law, nephews, aunties, cousins etc. And then the big day comes and you arrive laden down with gifts… a zany tie for your wacky brother in law, a lovely scarf for the aunt who suffers from a bad chill. Upon leaving you find that somehow, somewhere you are leaving with a lot less than you arrived with, but that can’t be right, can it?
Well, unfortunately folks it is. And here’s why, thanks to some mad mathematical skillz on my part it’s dead simple to calculate The Singleton’s Rate of Return on Gifts.

Here’s the formula:

P = (n / n) - (n x 1) + 1

Where P is the number of Presents to Buy and ‘n’ is the number of people in a given family.

Example:
Where n = Your sister, your brother in law and your nephew (or to put it in mathematical terms ‘n= 3′)
P = (3/3) - (3 x 1) + 1
P = 1 - 3 +1
P = 3
So in this example the rate of return on presents (P) will be 3 OR to put it another way, to get ONE present you will have to buy 3.

But that’s not fair, says you. At that rate my bank account will be emptier than Guiney’s suit department the day before Sherriff St 6th class make their confirmation! Surely Christmas should be about fair play? HA! Of course it isn’t! Fair play does not come into it. Fair play is something that only Ronan Keating and orphans can aspire to.
So suck it up, my friends, suck it up. And if you can’t do that then at least try to get your money back by drinking the contents of the liquor cabinet.

*Fact is a term used loosely on this blog to denote the author’s opinion, fancy or imagination.